The myth of the weaker sex and the strength of our vote

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I haven’t ever been sexually assaulted, but I’ve been harassed and discriminated against in a variety of ways. I can only say I haven’t been assaulted because I happened to be around decent men in situations where I was vulnerable to the possibility.

I don’t think about these incidents every day, every week, or even every year. They don’t haunt me. But this past week, they washed over me like a tidal wave as I watched Christine Blasey Ford give her testimony.

  • I was told numerous times that boys are mean because they like you. Certain males are quick to prove this notion false.

  • I was catcalled by construction workers as I walked home from school. I was underage and there’s no way they didn’t know.

  • I was stared at for the entire first week of school; I know this because he was facing the opposite direction of the teacher.

  • I politely declined going out with various guys I waited on back in my serving days. The tips they left me didn’t make the rent.

  • I was asked about my plans for having kids by a guy I worked with who thought it was okay have an opinion. 

  • I've lost count of the number of times I’ve had something mansplained to me. 

  • I’ve been told to to smile so often. Why isn’t it my choice? Why is the lack of a smile a strike against me and not men?

These are just a sample. I won’t list them all here because, like so many women, it doesn’t feel comfortable to do so. And not everything I put on this list in draft is in the final version you’re reading.

Ever since I was old enough to go out on my own, I’ve taken precautions to avoid being assaulted or harassed. I’ve carried my keys as a stabby weapon, stayed in well-lit areas, constantly checked all around me to see if I’m being followed, and become expert at jumping quickly in my car and locking the doors. These are just a sample of the things I consciously think about to protect myself when I’m out alone.

It makes one wonder:

Women deal with all of this, childbirth, caring for children, and we’re the weak ones?

I’m in absolute awe of Christine Blasey Ford right now. It’s been a week since her courageous testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee and I’m still in awe. I don’t think I could do what she’s done, but I’m grateful to her for doing it.

Her strength of conviction, composure, and confidence in her answers before a sea of mostly white men who will never, ever fathom what it’s like to be a woman in a world that values men to the level that someone can rise to a U.S. Supreme Court appointment before their past becomes a minor annoyance in getting the job. 

Men like him and others of his ilk will never know what it’s like to be paid less due to the presence of estrogen, breasts and a vagina.

They’ll never understand the impact of losing your job because you decided to have a child. 

They’ll never understand being talked down to because you’re a woman, even when you know more than the man about the subject at hand. 

We have a president in the U.S. who thinks it’s okay to grab women, talk about and to them with no respect, mock survivors of sexual assault, and openly, blatantly discriminate against marginalized groups of every kind. He isn’t capable of being an example of common sense, let alone empathy and compassion.

In 18 years, I’ve never been so grateful to be living in Canada as I am right now. The U.S. has reached an alarming, discouraging, sad state of affairs. I struggle to maintain longstanding relationships with people who support the kind of selfish, self-centred policies that are being put forth by the current administration. And Republicans in the House and Senate have no spine to stand up to the bully in the White House. 

The populist movement that’s taking the U.S. to the far right and far left of center make it increasingly difficult to find common ground. And I get it. My left side feels the strain of carrying the weight of my views. But it’s worth it. I can’t get behind the me-first mentality and that’s after genuinely trying to understand the gap between the pervasive liberal and conservative perspectives.

I left the U.S. thinking I’d never subscribe to the socialist notions of my adopted country. But I was so very wrong. Canada isn’t perfect, but this country values and takes care of its people in ways we can only dream about in the U.S.

This isn’t the world I imagined growing old in.

It’s not the world I wanted to raise my child in. It isn’t the world I want for our future.

So, we have to fix it. And I don’t know where to begin, but I’m going to start with my vote in the mid-terms. 

Because even if the man I want to be the first black governor of my state doesn’t win, my vote will count.

And even if every justice I vote against retains their seat, my vote will count.

Because women aren’t weak and there’s more of us than there are men and we can turn this Titanic-sized problem away from the iceberg.

Don’t believe for a second that your vote isn’t important.

You matter.

Your voice matters.

Go vote and show the world the strength of a woman who knows her own mind.

Sometimes you have to get out of your head

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When Lara and I were running our business together, we started buying Leonie Dawson's journals to help us think about the previous year and plan for the new year. I've stopped buying them now because I never really have time to finish them and that bothers me irrationally. They're great tools to get you thinking about how things went, what you'd change and how you want to move forward. I did best with it the first year we got them. 

But my favorite part was a really short section that asked for a list of five things to do when a break is needed. The concept of identifying a finite list of ways to get out of work mode so I could return to a more productive head space was kind of revolutionary for me.

Since I'm going through my 52 Lists for Happiness in my own little way here on the blog, I immediately thought of that list when I came to the assignment about things that help you get out of your head. So, here goes:

  • Stories are the best way for me to turn off all the noise around me. I can escape into a book and let everything else fall away. (I try not to let it fall so far that the laundry doesn't get done.)
  • Music is so healing. I can be frustrated or mad and a fun song with a great beat will take me to a whole new space where I can relax and stop stressing.
  • Those days when you're hyperventilating and wondering how you're going to manage situations, there's nothing like having a chat or a glass of wine with a good friend. 
  • Taking a long walk helps me wake up when I need a jolt of coffee. And it can help me get out of a room so I can get out of my head when I really need to.
  • Movies and TV shows that have great storylines can be just as effective as a book for providing a vehicle to another world that doesn't share the same worries.
  • Getting immersed in creative writing can get me well and truly lost in another world. Unfortunately, it's not such a great way to pause work for only a short time unless that means hours or days.

I'd love to say I knit or crochet to escape, but I'm not consistent at practicing or even good at either one. I do both on occasion anyway. The jury's still out on whether such crafty activities are true escapism for me. I think I might be entertaining a fruitless idea that I'll one day be somewhat decent and grow to love them. I probably need to embrace my non-crafty status and stop buying yarn.

Please throw your own suggestions for getting out of your head in the comments - anything that works for you might help someone else. (Like moi.)

Doing the things I'm really good at is the dream

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I've been having conversations with family members over the holidays about life and what's been going on here in Ottawa with the Wilson crew. Some have been a little out of the loop because I've had some big changes that came with big time commitments and I haven't been good about keeping them up to date. (Fortunately, they're forgiving folks.)

The discussions I've had all led to questions about how I'm feeling about my current employment situation. I get accused of having a lot of jobs. If I included every single one on my resume (even the now irrelevant ones), yes, it would be a lengthy list. But I've stayed for as long as 6 years in one position. Also, I'm 40 and I work in tech, so "lifers" aren't that common. That said, I like to think about the future and how I want my career to look 2-5 years down the road. That's my version of pursuing the dream.

My favorite football team (okay, the only one I ever actually pay any attention to) just got a new coach. I found out that he's had some criticism that this is his third job in a year. No doubt, for a football coach, that's unusual. But then I found out that he said FSU has been his dream job. (He even wanted to play at FSU, but they didn't pursue him.)

For me, the narrative of that story changed completely as soon as I found out how much Willie Taggart wanted to be part of the FSU football program. He's been a class act since day one on the job and he led the team to another bowl game victory so they could finish out the season with a winning record - 41 years in a row, baby! He's off to a great start.

I can relate to what he's done. I started a job in August 2016 that I really loved. "Writer" became my professional title, not just a label I applied to myself. The role had potential to grow in ways I was excited about. And I was having a great time doing interesting work and getting valuable experience. When changes happened in that situation this past summer, I really struggled with the loss of all that potential growth - I just didn't see how I could take the next steps in my career in that company.

The struggle eventually led me to shift my thinking and look at my situation objectively. First of all, I couldn't let my discouragement about the changes poison my day-to-day work. So, I let that shiz go as much as possible. Sometimes it was a minute-by-minute choice. Then I had to figure out what I really wanted. A good friend helped me plan how I could take action to find the right next step for me. That was the point when I started seriously opening my mind to possibilities.

The next opportunity came along within weeks. The potential growth I was seeking with the job I took in 2016? That became a reality in 2017, though not at the place or with the people I thought it would happen. But that's okay, because it's so much better to be in the right place at the right time in the right role than to be loyal to something that doesn't work for you.

I'm good at building. I assess, make observations, figure out a plan, and execute. I love the intensity as you figure out what works and what doesn't. I don't even mind occasional late nights putting out fires. But I want to know that the end result of what I'm doing is valuable and appreciated. I want to be challenged and learn as I work. And I found a role that lets me write while I expand into other areas that I'm good at as well. So, I'm ridiculously excited about the future.

Looking back on 2017, it was a year of big changes. For me, for my little world, for all of us. If 2018 goes like 2017 has, it's gonna be a really fantastic year. Bring it on.

There's always a reason: Why you need to know your limits

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Back in 2012, a friend of mine, who happens to be editor of a local magazine, asked me to interview and write a story about a local speech pathologist who's doing some great things in her practice. After talking with her, I realized that a lot of what she does is rooted in one simple phrase:

There's always a reason.

Nearly 5 years later, that's the advice that sticks with me the most out of every little thing I have learned or been told about autism and helping my son learn how to navigate this world. I wish it was so internalized that I never forget it, but I'm not quite there yet. However, I'm starting to plant that seed in Brandon now.

We went to Costco one weekend a while back. My motivation was slightly selfish. I'd been wanting a Costco-sized vat of coconut oil, but Matt kept coming back saying they don't carry it anymore. It didn't seem possible that Costco would drop such a popular product so I made a rare appearance at Costco to check Matt's assertion.

Yes, I totally insisted we go to Costco on a busy Sunday afternoon just because I wanted a vat of coconut oil. Motivation is a funny thing, people.

Turns out I was right about Costco not getting rid of coconut oil. There on the right, just before we entered the gauntlet of people waiting for a cashier to check them out, was the object of my desire. I was tempted to buy two - yanno, just in case Matt's hunt and gather skills weren't the real issue. But I resisted.

With our mission accomplished, Brandon decided he was hungry. I'm pretty sure it's a conditioned response for him. He actually said looking at all the food was making him hungry. But I think at least part of it was knowing that Costco hot dogs are just on the other side of the cash.

Matt braved the line while I took Brandon to get food. 

We sat down after prepping B's hot dog and drink, surrounded by people filling their bellies after the harrowing experience of going through Costco on a Sunday. If they did a study, they'd probably figure out 99% of the people eating at Costco after shopping are stress eating.

It was noisy. However, there was one contributor to the noise that stood out from the rest of the din - a little boy who was around 6 or 7 years old. He was loudly and consistently upset for about 15 minutes. And Brandon noticed. Well, everyone did, but there were no dirty looks at his mother or the little guy that was having a rough time. 

Brandon made a couple of comments about how loud the "baby" was being. (He never actually looked for the source of the noise.) So, I told him that places like Costco and other big stores can be really hard on people - especially kids - because of the fluorescent lights, ambient noise and the sheer volume of people and things to look at. 

I told him about the time several years ago that he himself got tired of walking around and just laid down in the middle of an aisle and refused to move on. He'd had enough and couldn't cope with all the sensory information coming at him anymore. He didn't know how to say he was overwhelmed, so he communicated it in the only way he knew how: He stopped.

As an adult, I still struggle to recognize and stick to my limits. We get caught up in all the things we have to, need to, want to or should do and forget that we also need to stop the constant flow of information and other sensory stimulation in our brains so we can recharge.

Life happens and we keep plugging away because that's what we do. Kids haven't picked up that skill and, in a way, I hope Brandon never does. I'd consider it a great success if I can teach him to respect his own limits. For now, I'm working on teaching him to recognize them.

I've had a lot of extra stress that I've plowed through for months and I'm pretty exhausted. And I know it's impacting me because I have been sick at least once a month this year. But I've done very little to address the real problem. I just keep going.

But there's always a reason.

Whether it's a kid screaming in the middle of a crowded, busy store or an adult experiencing life stress, we all need to be compassionate with each other and ourselves.

I re-learn this lesson pretty regularly the hard way. Don't we all?

Filling days with happy routines

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I recently changed jobs, and the switch means my 5-minute commute is now 30-40 minutes. That's a big jump, but it's kind of awesome. The only thing I didn't like about my 5-minute commute was that it eliminated my best opportunity for me-time with audiobooks. I've always been a voracious reader, but life happens and it's hard to find the time. For me, the commute is the perfect time to get through non-fiction books, particularly on business topics. 

When I was noodling on how to position a product, I listened to Positioning. When I was struggling with how to explain a complex but important concept, I got inspiration from Made to Stick. And one of Jim Collins' stories in Good to Great reaffirmed my choice to leave my last position. Some days I need something fiction to get lost in because my brain needs a break from absorbing information and generating ideas. Occasionally, I switch on my favorite playlists so I can give a concert in my car.

Having a longer commute creates some logistical challenges, but I try to take advantage of every moment of that time to prep for my day and unwind from it when it's over. The routine - provided I'm not rushed - makes me happy and less stressed. 

Life is too busy not to have routines that inject some amount joy into each day. I love getting my first cup of coffee in the morning. That first sip is the best, too. 

Sometime last winter, my colleagues at my previous job started sitting together regularly at lunch and I looked forward to that routine. It made hard days better and gave us all a break from the grind. This one was good for our whole team, especially since we were dealing with so much change.

It's amazing to see the impact of a simple routine when you're going through change.

One routine I practiced when I was younger, but has fallen away was something I learned from my fifth grade teacher. She once told me that she loved to wake up on Saturday mornings, have a cup of tea, a hot bath and read. I still think that sounds divine, but I haven't done it in years. I might have to revive it before it gets too cold. 

I like having happy routines that are also comforting and calming; they're a safe space in each day, week or month.