Plagued by feelings of inadequacy

Today started off in a way that made me feel so good. I was motivated, upbeat (despite only 3 hours of sleep), and somehow even managed to be quite efficient. Before 9:00 I went to Walmart, then Staples and had Brandon down for his nap. By 10:30, I’d baked cookies and prepared lunch for Brandon and I so we could go have a picnic with a couple of friends and their children. I was shocked at how much I managed to accomplish, but I think it’s mainly because it’s been so long since I’ve had to get so much done in such a short time. It makes me really want to get back to work; I feel more productive in all areas of my life when I’m working.

When Brandon got up from his nap, I got him ready to go as quickly as I could – in between reading him books since that’s what he wanted and the child has a one-track mind. We got out to the park, which was a pretty lively place. There were a handful of daycare providers with their groups of children and, of course, Brandon jumped right into playing. He loves the slides. In fact, he tries very hard to hog the slide to himself. For now, he has the excuse that he is too young to understand how to share, but he’ll learn.

Once the kids had worked up a good appetite, we took them across the field to eat and we had a very nice little lunch. Good food, good company, happy children – what more can you ask for? We went back to play for a few minutes before we wrapped up to take the kids to our respective homes for nap time.

The rest of my afternoon with Brandon was fairly tame, other than his appointment for a haircut. (He really, really doesn’t like having it cut.) Despite all that I was able to do today and the genuinely good time we had throughout the entire day, there were several incidents over the course of the day that burst my happy little confident bubble that I’d been living in during the first part of the day and I’ve spent the evening seriously wondering if I have any clue what I’m doing at all. For the most part, with Brandon, I generally don’t doubt myself too much once I make a decision, because I try to carefully research and consider as many angles as possible. However, add other children/parents into the mix and I feel like I’m completely out of my depth.

Of course, this may all simply be a by-product of not sleeping most of this week. That always tends to heighten my sensitivity to events and I start second-guessing every facet of my involvement. Being female, we overanalyze anyway, but maybe if I get a job I won’t have time anymore. Yeah, and pigs may grow wings and fly.