My friends mean a great deal to me. Friendship, in general, is something I value. Having people in my life that support me through good times and bad is priceless. And I try to be a good friend in return. But I hate the way I handle friendships.
It goes back to a situation over 10 years ago that hurt me deeply. In one fell swoop, I lost many friends and my ability to trust. It’s something that I’ve consciously worked on for the past couple of years. Because I think friendship is important.
I’m realistic enough to know that I’m not going to connect with every person in my life on a deeper level, but I’m reaping the rewards of opening up. There is no group better than my Book Club (BK). There is no group better than the women who’ve become my friends who lose weight together. There are countless other people in my life outside of these groups who lift me up and encourage me constantly.
I am so blessed.
And yet, I still hold back. I still fear intimacy in friendships. The fear of possible rejection stifles my openness. I hate that about myself, but I don’t want to be hurt again. Recently, my fears came true in the ugliest possible way.
Despite that, I know that there is no better feeling than knowing that a friend has your back when times are tough. That lesson has been hammered home to me as well in the past couple of weeks no less than a couple dozen times.
I am beyond blessed.
And, one day, maybe this thing I hate about myself will become a thing of the past.