Growing up, I always knew I wanted children. In fact, I wanted a big family. I grew up in the south in the Bible belt and there were large families everywhere. My parents, my two brothers and I were considered a pretty smallish family and though my mom actually wanted more children, it didn’t happen for her.
My husband and I got married fairly young. In 2000, I was 23, he was 27 and by this time, my goals had changed and I knew I wanted to work outside the home, so having a large family wouldn’t be a financially viable option for us. Two kids – that perfect nuclear family – was my revised dream. I was no longer set on having kids young. Waiting five to ten years so Matt and I would have time alone together seemed like a good plan.
Imagine my shock in February 2002 when I started to suspect I was pregnant. Part of me was secretly thrilled. A new life! A little baby! It was so exciting. The rest of me was kinda terrified. We had school loans to pay off, other debts because we both moved to Ottawa from our respective hometowns, so we were essentially starting life all over and that's expensive. I was starting fresh in a new country, I didn't make that much money and how could we live with me getting only 55% of my salary for a year? We also couldn’t afford childcare once I did go back to work. Financially, the timing of the baby was not good. But I kept saying to myself that we’d figure it out. We’d find a way because there’s always a way.
At first, I didn’t share my suspicions with Matt. I waited until I could do a pregnancy test and while he was still asleep one weekend, I did the test.
It was positive.
My stomach sort of sank into my toes when I saw the result. I was a bit scared to tell Matt. But there was still that thrilled part of me that hoped he would be happy about the baby. This was an unwise expectation. We weren’t even discussing planning or trying to have a child, so why would he be anything other than shocked? I told him the news and he was stunned. I made an appointment at the clinic to have the pregnancy confirmed.
By the time we got the results, I was only about 6 weeks pregnant. My due date was November 7th, 2002. I didn’t want to tell anyone, but Matt did. He was still unsure about our changing situation, but I think he was beginning to accept this unexpected development in our lives. We told all of our family, friends and co-workers.
The first trimester was fairly easy on me. I couldn’t stand the taste of coffee, which is just as well since I needed to cut it out anyway. I didn’t have much morning sickness at all and I ate like there was no tomorrow, sadly gaining about 15 pounds in two months. That part wasn’t cool. Neither was the utter exhaustion. I never realized a body could get that tired and still function!
When I was in my 12th week, I went to the dentist for a filling. The appointment had been made months prior and it didn’t even occur to me to cancel it. I know, it’s good to visit the dentist and continue dental care while pregnant, but that doesn’t mean you have to have fillings. I am a full-on, 100% wimp and I’m not afraid to admit it. I had never, up to that point in my life, had a filling done without gas or by any dentist other than the man I’d been going to practically my entire life. Unfortunately, his practice was down in Tallahassee, FL and I was in Ottawa, so I couldn’t go to him AND I was pregnant, so they couldn’t use the gas.
I walked into the dentist office and burst into tears as I told them with shaking hands that I wasn’t sure if I could do this. The receptionist smiled sympathetically and told me that I was the second one to come in with that problem that day. She said if I didn’t feel up to it that it was fine.
I didn’t want to be a wimp. I wanted to buck up and be adult about this. I was 24, not 4. I needed to grow up and be responsible. I let them do the filling. In hindsight, I should have walked away, though. Heck, they should have sent me home! I was clearly in no state to have a dental procedure done. I sat in the chair with my fists clenched and my back muscles tightening more and more with every second they were grinding on my teeth. When the filling was finally done, I was actually sore and emotionally wasted. I vowed that I would never go for a filling again while pregnant. The experience was so horrible for me that getting a cleaning done in future pregnancies was definitely an iffy prospect as well.
The next day when I came home from work, I found that I had started bleeding. I called my mother, panicked and wanting her to be able to tell me it was going to be all right – that I wasn’t going to lose my baby. But how could she? I asked her if I needed to go to the hospital or the doctor. (I really didn’t want to go.) She said that if I was having a miscarriage there is nothing they could do to stop it. I think I knew as soon as the bleeding started that this wasn’t going to end well. Three days later, I finally went to the hospital because the bleeding got heavier and I was having a lot of cramping (or contractions, since I was essentially giving birth).
The ER doctor confirmed that she couldn’t find a baby or a heartbeat and that she felt I had miscarried. I had to go for a follow-up ultrasound with a technician to confirm her findings two days later. I had the ultrasound in one building and was sent back to the hospital’s ER department for the doctor to give me the results. In triage, the nurse who spoke with me told me that it didn’t look like I’d had a "spontaneous abortion", one of the medical terms for miscarriage. I began to hope that the baby was okay – maybe the first doctor had made a mistake!
Then we were called back to the exam room and the doctor gave us the news that the baby was gone. All I could think was, "Why the hell did that nurse tell me it wasn't?" On the way home from the hospital, Matt told me that it felt surreal. We’d just gotten used to the idea of having a baby, we were starting to get really excited about it, and all of the sudden the baby was just...gone.
I grieved hard for that baby. In my mind, she was always a girl. We hadn’t been able to agree on a boy’s name, but we had picked a girl’s name – Jennifer Leigh. Eight years later, I can’t imagine having a seven-year-old running around. Our life would be vastly different today if my first pregnancy had not ended the way it did and it is still surreal to think about. I felt like a mother, but I didn't have a baby to hold. My views of motherhood changed dramatically and I wanted a baby more than anything. I no longer wanted to wait for years before trying. Wisely, Matt insisted on waiting.
He was right - I wasn't ready after the loss of our first.