A classic case of FUD

I don't really like sharing my inner-most thoughts for all the world, but today I'm going to use my blog as free therapy and somehow, yes, I do feel better for getting this out. And in case you don't know what FUD is - it's fear, uncertainty and doubt. Only this time it's all about my navel-gazing, chronicled below.

Sometimes I wonder if I suck as a human being.

No, this isn't narcissism or fishing for compliments and attention. The nauseous feeling in my gut, the constant questioning of my actions, the tears that come so easily - these things tell me this is a real fear and I can't think of any emotional state that is worse than feeling generally worthless and unlovable.

I don't want to be one of those people that are merely tolerated.

At the same time, it's totally okay if not everyone likes me - or if they're just not that into me. We all gravitate to different people. I don't aim to win any popularity contests, because I know myself well enough to recognize that I wouldn't do "popular" very well. I'd be exhausted after a few hours, I'm sure. Then I'd crawl back into my unpopular cocoon until everyone found someone else to make popular. So, really...wanting people to like me isn't an issue. Of course, I don't want anyone to hate (or intensely dislike) me.

This is probably just a crisis of confidence. ("just"!)

I've been kicked a few times this year - hard. Each time it happens, the wounds take longer to heal. If the previous wounds haven't healed and I get kicked again, the pain is excruciating.

I don't want to be a horrible human and I don't want to be perceived as a horrible human, but I can't control what other people think of me - not even people who I thought would be unconditionally in my corner. Of course, no one is perfect and "unconditional" doesn't truly exist even when we really, really want to and really, really try to exhibit unconditional like, love, respect, etc.

Even allowing for the human factor, I feel emotionally battered.

I ask myself what I can do to be better and then realize that trying to convince others that I'm really a nice person who means well is just not going to happen. If I'm not accepted for who I am (even if who I am changes), then that says something about the underlying relationship that makes my heart hurt.

I don't want to play the blame game.

Ultimately, there is truly not one single person or reason that I can point a finger at for how I feel. People hurt people - sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally. I usually have thicker skin, but this year I happen to be pretty sensitive and it's not pretty.

I hope I don't ever make someone else feel the way that I do right now, but I'm human and I have a bad feeling that I have - and that sucks.

It's time to move on and stop letting others have this kind of affect on me. 

***** 

I know some of you are genuinely concerned reading this and are possibly wondering if I'm referring to my relationship with Matt. So, I'll say this: Marriage is hard work. Since I started my business, it's been harder work than ever before because the imbalance hasn't been fair to Matt. There are no guarantees, of course, but Matt and I are doing pretty good and we're both committed to working through any issues that come up. I like to think we're entering a new phase of our relationship because of the work we've done, but we both know it's not going to be smooth sailing. There has to be compromise that we're both comfortable with. Matt is an amazing guy and he knows what's going on and is doing everything he can to help me through this.