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Blog Out Loud June 14 2012

Entries in school (4)

Thursday
Sep062012

I'm done coasting...time to accelerate

I was reading a friend’s blog today and I saw my blog in her sidebar and it showed my last update as 5 weeks ago. 

!!!

I write what I want to write, when I want to write it.Surprisingly, it does and doesn’t feel like it’s been that long to me. It’s been a long time since I neglected to update my blog for so long, but so long as I’m not obligated to create content for anyone other than me, myself and I, this blog won’t be having regular updates unless I have time.

The thing is, right now, time is in short supply:

Exhibit A

Social Capital 2012 is over so the last minute rush is done, but planning for next year will begin very soon.

Exhibit B

I started this business with Lara and things are going really well. (You should have seen my ear-to-ear grin as she and I discussed recent developments the other day. We’re very excited. I’ve never had to work so hard before, but I’ve also never enjoyed what I’m doing as much as this.) I also wouldn’t want to be doing this with anyone but Lara - she’s an amazing person to work with.

Exhibit C

There’s also the appointments, phone calls, emails, paperwork, and everything else associated with getting Brandon assessed. It’s a long process that doesn’t end with the assessments and I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’ve been so fortunate that many people in my life are experienced in this process or work in the system. I’m stumbling through but I’m not tripping and falling - I owe that to the amazing friends (some new, some old) that have jumped in to save me.

Exhibit D

Oh yeah, there’s also the small matter that Brandon has switched daycares twice this year and will soon be starting school. And, omg, doing all of this while ramping up the assessment process? Pass me a Tums or 20, please? Or a beer. Or wine. Chocolate works too. Any vice will do.

Exhibit E

How on earth do I have time to hold down a full-time job, too!?!? Well, actually, the business is doing well and I have reduced my hours and my boss and colleagues have all been incredibly supportive of what I’m doing - with Brandon and the business.

In short, this year has been one of the most stressful of my life. I’m not ready to go into all the details (and I may never be) of how this year has impacted me - mentally, emotionally and physically - but suffice it to say I’m on a constant roller coaster. Great highs followed by low lows and all I want is to not burn out.

I can’t burn out.

Fortunately, I know this is temporary. I’m in the short-term pain part of long-term gain. I’m making a conscious choice to work hard. It’s not easy and I don’t complain (except to Lara occasionally - she’s allowed to complain to me too).

Don’t think for a minute that this is only about the business. There is short-term pain (okay, probably not all that short) in the process of getting Brandon assessed and treated as well. But it is SO worth it. HE is worth it. 

I’m glad I went over a month not writing. I’m pretty sure I haven’t blogged anywhere in the last month. Not on my business blog (Thanks, Lara! - see? Amazing partner!), not here and maybe once on Kids in the Capital.

I coasted through August and took it easy. I played games, spent more time with Brandon, read books, tried to do more around my house (though I wasn’t very successful) and generally took a much-needed break. Everything is going to ramp up in the next week and the fall is looking like it’s going to be ridiculously busy. 

Thank goodness I took a little breather. 

Bring it, fall. I’m ready.

Tuesday
Nov292011

I question the need for criminal background checks on parents of school children

I’m well aware that I have friends who are going to disagree with me about this. I’m not writing this to get into a full-fledged debate, though feel free to share your thoughts too. This is about exploring why I feel the way I do and to hopefully ask some pointed questions about why this is coming up, because I’m filled with questions, as you’ll see.

For the record, let me first say that I do not have a criminal record of any kind and, as a U.S. citizen living in Canada as a permanent resident and having also obtained security clearance with the government, my lack of a record is well-documented - including one or two additional checks for jobs and volunteer work with an organization a number of years ago. Since moving to Canada 11 years ago, I haven’t had so much as a speeding ticket. I’d love to say I haven’t had a parking ticket, but alas, it did happen once. Maybe twice. I can’t remember for sure.The point is that my motivation isn’t to hide anything from anyone.

But let me back up and explain where this is coming from. A friend of mine posted a link to a petition on twitter that is asking people to support a movement for Ottawa school boards to implement a blanket policy requiring volunteers to obtain a criminal record check before they can volunteer. My immediate knee-jerk response was no way, no how - that’s just a bad use of police resources. Why should the police be vetting parents of school children? Where is the trust? Oh, because children may be left alone with volunteers? I’d love to know why that is happening. In my thirteen years of schooling in Florida, I don’t remember a single instance of being anywhere near a volunteer without school staff being in the same room. Mind you, we didn’t have a ton of volunteers other than parents who chaperoned field trips. I don’t recall parents or anyone else ever being in the classroom with us on a regular school day. So, chalk at least some of this up to me being ignorant of Canadian schools’ practices - I’ll openly admit to that. I would not be okay with my son being alone with a volunteer for an extended length of time for an activity.

After putting in my knee-jerk two cents on twitter during my commute, I got to thinking about the debate more. One person pointed out that the practice is only overkill until you have a pedophile on a field trip with your kid. But is it? Would a convicted pedophile actually submit to a background check? And an unconvicted one who has never even been suspected certainly isn’t going to show up, so how does that mitigate the risk? Additionally, if said convicted pedophile is a parent of a child, it’s doubtful that courts would allow a child to stay in the person’s custody and that kind of background is surely noted in a child’s file. Are convicted pedophiles lining up to volunteer at schools these days?

Related question: Just how many non-parents volunteer in the schools? If these individuals are not the custodial parent or guardian of any students and are volunteering, then a policy of checking their background seems reasonable to me. But why custodial parents and guardians? The school has these children for 7-8 hours a day and the other 16-17, the parent(s) are responsible for them. Surely that deserves a little trust. But let me go at this from another angle because I simply can’t support something like this that is invasive and time-consuming without some really solid reasoning. (No, I have nothing to hide, but that doesn’t stop it being invasive and time-consuming.)

I can’t buy into the broad argument that it’s worth it to protect kids, because people will do bad things and a record check isn’t a foolproof way to stop it happening - note example above where the pedophile (or rapist, or murderer, or whatever other criminal act you think of) hasn’t been caught - or hasn’t offended yet. Additionally, as one person shared, they passed their record check 7 years ago and haven’t done a new one. Really? That’s as per policy? Things change in that amount of time. They change by the day. I’m not saying the person who shared about the 7-year gap has a record now that they didn’t previously have, but that potential is there for anyone who goes that long without an update. Doing this every year on the off chance (as it would be for me as a work-out-of-the-home mom) I’d be able to volunteer is not realistic.

I’d like to know the background information, such as: What’s the source of this trend? Why did the first school/school board implement this kind of policy? I can think of a few possible reasons: an incident occurred with a volunteer, liability insurance costs, a “great” idea from parents for protecting their kids.

If there’s been an incident I haven’t heard of it and, considering the uproar over the banned balls in Toronto last week, surely this would get some serious attention. Not to say it hasn’t happened, but where are all these incidents with criminal volunteers? And did they have a criminal record before they volunteered? Would a check even make a difference? I had a teacher who was arrested for molesting children - I was 8 when we found out. Obviously he got through his background check before getting the job. The point here is that a background check will not prevent an incident. By forcing checks on custodial parents and guardians, we slot them into the guilty until proven innocent category. And what happens when they do have a criminal background? What if their offense is a youthful mistake and irrelevant to the work? Are they barred from volunteering with their children because of it?

Liability insurance is an unavoidable expense. If schools have to reduce costs and background checks are the only way to do it, then it’s hard to argue the against it when the money can be diverted to buying books and other resources for students. But is that the motivation? I really doubt it. If it is, I haven’t seen that mentioned even once. I think sufficient holes have already been shot into the foolproofness of a background check. They are being pushed on parent volunteers under the guise of proactive prevention of something that’s unlikely to happen in the first place. I should also point out that any insurance company giving a break for background checks is selling snake oil, in my opinion.

If this idea was hatched by a parent/parent group as a way to safeguard children, then I think it’s another example of media-influenced fear and I, for one, do not want to raise my child to believe it’s okay to lump everyone into the “bad” category until he knows them better. This is a slippery slope. Do I need to get a background check before I send my child to someone else’s house for a play date? If I don’t, am I then negligent and culpable if something happens?

I’m a huge fan of Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy. I’ve talked about her work here before. When this came up, I decided to see if she’s addressed it because it seems to be the right kind of subject matter for her site and I was not disappointed. In her post about parent volunteers, she states “this whole “background check” deal falls into the ever-growing category of trying to make extremely unlikely events extremely unlikely” (emphasis mine) and isn’t that a shame?

Additional research led me to Google which led me to one story on The Telegraph from 2009 saying how checks like these are a deterrent from volunteering. No doubt that’s a shocking revelation. What disturbs me is that the article ends by seemingly endorsing this policy when it shares the CRB spokesperson’s comment that:

“Around 98,000 unsuitable people have been prevented from working with children and vulnerable adults in the past five years as a direct result of CRB checks.”

I’d like to know the context of “unsuitable”. Was it solely based on the criminal record? Was there some other reason? How many were parents of school children? How many were non-parent/guardian volunteers at a school? The media put out these stats and expect us to take them at face value, but there’s far more to the story. I want to know those missing parts.

Though The Telegraph article reported great support for these measures, that support seems to have waned in the intervening years and The Daily Mail says that changes are being made to “scale back” the checks on volunteers. I’m guessing people finally figured out this was beyond the bounds of common sense in many cases.

Ultimately, as my friend Lara says, the school (and by extension, the children) will lose out when parents don’t volunteer as often due to the restrictions put on them by these policies. Show me some hard facts and figures in the proper context to convince me and maybe I’ll buy-in, but until then this leaves me with far more questions than answers and I’m not going to blindly go along with something just because it gives the appearance of greater safety.

Sunday
Nov202011

Better communication could have mitigated hard ball ban backlash

This past week, the news broke that a school in Toronto had contacted its parents to communicate an immediate ban on hard balls - basketball, soccer, baseball; the stuff that hurts if you get hit from a good throw. The ensuing backlash that was sparked prompted my friend, Alison, to write about the innappropriate response of the parents, media and people in general as they made judgments about the school - I was one of those people who reacted. I strongly disagree with what the school did, but I thought Alison made some salient points that we should all think about. Parents by-passed the appropriate people to contact and turned the situation into a media circus, but I think the school could have responded differently to mitigate this possibility.

So, I would like to play devil’s advocate a little bit and say, first of all, that any organization that is making what will always be a controversial decision like this needs to have their story straight in advance. Be ready for the media to catch wind of it, because you will never be able to rely on parents who passionately disagree to remain quiet about it. That’s simply not realistic in this age of information entitlement. The story, as presented, is inflammatory, probably lacking full details and ripe for the viral spread of negative views.

Assuming that it happened the way that the story described with no missing details, the school made a couple of missteps:

  1. They could have issued a letter stating that they were banning the balls until such time as they were able to have a full consultation with parents to see how widespread the concern is and come to a general consensus/compromise on what should happen.
  2. If a consultation had already taken place, they should have given a full accounting to parents.

Sure, administration has the right to make decisions based on what they believe is best for the children, but based on the coverage so far the principal’s only defense of the decision is that she has the right to make it. I recognize that could simply be quotes taken out of the context of a more thorough explanation, but the school’s site is silent on this and that seems counter productive. If this decision was made legitimately and not as a knee-jerk reaction then I have to wonder why the school doesn’t give more information to the parents and media rather than become a laughingstock. Even if it was a “knee-jerk reaction” to an angry parent or group, banning the balls temporarily until a solution is found makes more sense than an all out ban. It also likely wouldn’t have escalated to this point.

People are not going to stop spreading this kind of information because they know it has traction. The general public want to know because it is often relevant in their own lives - from personal experience as a child or because they have children themselves.

I have been watching the story because my own son is about to start school next year and I don’t want him coddled. I want him to learn how to address situations when he’s hit with balls like this and, conversely, that it is wrong to hit others with balls in a way that can hurt them.

The reality is that this story was going to get out. There was no stopping it happening. From a communications standpoint, I think that it has been handled horribly by the school. 

As bloggers and social media users, most of us think about what we’re putting out there before we hit send/publish. We draft, edit and consider the possible response (at least I do). Sometimes, we adjust the way our message is presented to provide better context or clarification and create a more open environment for discussion. Other times we want to express a hard line view and that can generate a completely different kind of discussion. There are pros and cons to both techniques. 

The school took a rigid approach and it went badly for them, but this is the official reality of the world we live in today. Right or wrong, it means that the traditional ways that organizations handle situations have to be adjusted to account for the possible response.

Should the expectation be for people to stop sharing out of turn or do organizations need to expect it? What are your thoughts?

Friday
Nov182011

You know what they say about assuming...

This morning when I logged in to twitter, someone had sent me a DM with the following question (edited to remove potentially identifying details and broaden the scope of my thoughts):

If I write a post about <insert life choice> and all the pressure as a <insert stage of life> to <re-insert life choice>, will <insert all those people at previous stated life stage pursuing previously stated choice> get mad at me?

Oy…what a question to start the day with. My first instinct? I was annoyed that this individual felt they had to ask. NOT annoyed that they asked, because I was happy to share my thoughts. What bothered me about the question was that they knew there was a possibility - okay, probability - that there would be negative (judgmental) reactions to their choices.

You see, we have this idea that life should go a certain “ideal” way. Here’s the general order in my experience:

  1. You’re born.
  2. You have a childhood.
  3. You go to university or college.
  4. You date.
  5. You start your career.
  6. You get married.
  7. You buy a house.
  8. You have kids.
  9. You have a career.
  10. You retire.
  11. You travel/downsize/become a snowbird (for Canadians).
  12. You die.

But darn it all if humans - who made these rules - don’t bother to follow them! (I know…shocking!)

Some people don’t get a degree, including me.
Some people don’t get legally married.
Some people don’t buy a house.
Some people don’t have kids.
Some people don’t establish a career.
Some people don’t retire.

Despite all these exceptions to “the rules”, people still push these narrow and highly unimaginitive expectations on the people in their lives at the stages when they get there, disregarding entirely any possible reasons that someone might not want to follow this path.

Every time a high school graduate crosses a stage to pick up a diploma, there is someone waiting on the other side to ask them where they’re going to go to school and what they’re going to study. 

Couples who date for more than six months or so fend off questions about when they’re going to get engaged. Then, they get engaged and you’d think people would be happy, but NO! That merely starts the round of wedding date inquiries.

The wedding should satisfy people, but it really doesn’t. How many weddings have you been to where the question of kids hasn’t come up? Not many, eh? Didn’t think so. Seriously? Give them AT LEAST a day before you start asking, people.

I think the time from high school graduation to probably late thirties/early forties have to be the most intense period of life changes and busybody interference and questioning. 

I know people mostly mean well, but I personally found it really difficult - emotionally - when I was asked when I was going to have children. This went on for years, because I’d already lost a baby and you don’t just share that information with everyone you meet. That decision was intensely personal for me and Matt; it wasn’t something that was anyone else’s business. After one particularly awkward conversation with someone who was barely an acquaintance, I vowed that I would not ask anyone else when or if they were going to have kids. If we are meant to have that discussion, it would come up naturally in a way that the other person is comfortable with.

Then I watched a co-worker get relentlessly nosey questions (practically interrogations) about when she was going to get married to her long-time boyfriend for over three years. She handled it with grace and dignity, but it got to the point that even I was uncomfortable when it happened. So, I extended my rule to other life stages as well.

Why?

Because I don’t want to make assumptions about choices that others are making. We’re all different. We all have different experiences and backgrounds that affect our choices. The road I take is right for me to the best of my knowledge. It isn’t necessarily right for anyone else and it’s better that I build a relationship with someone to talk about these things than unknowingly creating a potentially awkward situation for them or me. Ultimately, I’ve found that I develop more sustainable and deep relationships with people when I don’t dig too deep too soon.

Have you ever felt the pressure to make certain decisions about life choices from people around you? How did you handle it?